Aug

7

Song in Plaster: The Magnetic Fields, “I Think I Need A New Heart”

Filed Under Updates 

I think he needs a new heart within his heart.

Two men, Tolly and Stephen, have shut themselves up in a room. They’re adapting Tolly’s off-Broadway play,The Heart Within the Heart, for the screen.

Stephen: So, in the play Robbie and Jeff are gay?

Tolly: No. They’re brothers.

Stephen: So why do they live in the same room?

Tolly: Because they’re brothers and their family’s a little poor, so they have to share a room.

Stephen: Well, I guess you would know. But that’s kind of a bummer. Because you know what’s really funny? Gays.

Tolly: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that.

Stephen: Anyway, I really want to get down to the heart of The Heart Within the Heart so we can make sure we preserve your intent.

Tolly: That’s what I want too.

Stephen: Even if we have to change a lot of stuff.

Tolly: Like what kind of stuff?

Stephen: Well, I don’t think the dad being gay really works. Gays are funny and you don’t want to confuse people by making a gay guy really mean.

Tolly: Well, that’s fine, because their dad’s not gay.

Stephen: Really?

Tolly: Yeah. Really. What made you think he was gay?

Stephen: Well, that one time where the mother tells him to ‘go to hell’ and he leaves the house and then comes back drunk.

Tolly: And you thought he was gay because he came back drunk.

Stephen: Yeah, well I guess I just imagined him running off and meeting up with his gay lover, this guy who works the soda fountain in town.

Tolly: What are you talking about? The play is set in modern day. There’s no soda fountain. Not to mention, there’s absolutely no gay lover. No one in the play is gay.

Stephen: Well, I guess you would know. It’s just my imagination. Your original play is just so vivid, but also restrained. It seems to me like sometimes it’s what’s not being said that comes across so well.

Tolly: That’s very nice, but no one in the play is gay.

Stephen: Okay. I guess you would know. Oh, and I have to say: I really respect your choice to make the dog straight. It’s not popular these days, and it’s really hard to find a straight dog to play the parts, and the gay dogs hate to play straight, but I just thought that was really, really brave.

Tolly: There’s no dog in the play.

Stephen: No! You’ve got to be kidding me. The little dog that runs around and always tries to look up the female characters’ skirts?

Tolly: No. That never happens. Why would we cast a dog in a stage play? That’s a logistical nightmare.

Stephen: Oh. Are there lots of gay dogs in theater too?

Tolly: Listen, I think I’ve made a mistake. I don’t think that we’re going to be able to work together on this. We’re just coming from two very different points of view.

Stephen: Well, I guess you would know. But I only want what’s best for The Heart Within the Heart, and . . . I don’t know if you’ve seen how well some of my other features have done.

Tolly: Yeah. I have. That’s one reason I was interested in working with you.

Stephen: For instance Too Many Gays had a Ten-Million Dollar Opening weekend. That set me up pretty well.

Tolly: Not bad.

Stephen: And Gay Dad on a Hot Tin Roof earned me four Golden Globes.

Tolly: Okay.

Stephen: And my documentary Barnyard of Opression: Civil Rights for Transgendered Animals appeared on PBS. The reviewers called it, “more thrilling than Ken Burns and preachier than Billy Graham.”

Tolly: Alright. Okay. Let’s do this.

The resulting movie proved very successful. Three years later we find Stephen shut up in a room, working on a television pilot with Terry for The Heart Within the Heart.

Terry: First thing we need to do is make all of the characters gay. Except for the dad and the pig.

Stephen. I couldn’t agree more. But the pig’s supposed to be a dog.

Terry: Nope. Not anymore. The dog’s a pig, on the inside.

The pilot airs on television for the first time. Robert Ben Greensmith, author of the original novel The Heart Within the Heart sits in front of his television and looks aghast as the credits roll.

Robert: I told that damn playwright the dad was supposed to be gay and the pig was supposed to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Can’t get nothin’ to translate nowadays.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

MP3: The Magnetic Fields - “I Think I Need A New Heart”

- Flann O’Rion does not have any pets and shares an apartment with his brother in Eugene, Oregon.

Follow us on Twitter for updates.

Check out our HYPEM tracklist to hear our posted songs in a playlist.

Like the article? Subscribe to the Stereopathic RSS Feed

Comments

Leave a Reply




Or...