Upcoming Shows
Roadside Graves
w/Bart Budwig
FRIDAY, Aug. 6, 9PM
@ Mikey's GyrosStereopathic on Hypem
Jul
7
“The Palmolive Yew Rave” offered young people the chance to become more familiar with the company’s products in a casual environment surrounded by like-minded peers. They’d looked into it and it appeared that their target demographic had continued to age and, against the expectations of some of the more optimistic folks in the marketing department, would someday go the way of all flesh. This realization produced a sudden fluster of concern in the hearts of the company executives. “Everything seemed to be going so well,” said Lester, the company’s Chief Creative Officer. “Success is a fleeting prize, like a bird hidden in a bush.”
But eventually the company hit upon the idea that they could simply substitute younger individuals for these deceasing older clients, a notion derived from their research into the Arabic science of Algebra. The equation seemed to make sense. They could now reach out to the bird of success and hold it in their hand. Lester swelled with courage at this notion. He said, “Birds and ideas are alike. They float in on capricious winds, often from Arabia.”
They planned to throw the party in Yew Dales, Canada, because their market research showed that young people don’t think much of the United States, but also can’t be troubled to travel very far away from it for promotional events. Market research also indicated that the most popular type of event would be a series of lectures on consumer advocacy and that a vast majority of the participants in the survey did not consider themselves the kind of people who usually participate in surveys. Further, one enterprising statistician found that if he ranked the scores in descending order of SAT score, subdivided by race/ethnicity, and then ascending by birthday, and printed the results on a dot matrix printer, they appeared to yield a detailed map of the city of Prague with directions leading to the hibernating Golem, forehead inscribed with the Hebrew word “met” meaning “death.” An interesting coincidence, “But not one to which anyone may legally ascribe any significance,” claimed Lester. “A bird needs two wings to fly, and this is clearly a one-winged proposition.”
The first day of the even met with unprecedented success. Lester himself spoke about responsible consumer-ship and demonstrated how Palmolive soaps may be used to make durable bubbles, enduring bubble baths, and astronaut-grade personal lubricants, all in the privacy of your own home. The second day, the Yew Rave saw casualties overwhelm the chill-out tent positioned outside of the furious lecture venues, overheating and exhausted, many having mainlined the more narcotic varieties of soaps. The third day, disaster struck.
The golem, having traveled business class on Air France, made his appearance, and left a bloody swath of havoc in his wake. He sought and destroyed the noted statistician who uncovered his resting place, but felt at home with extensive collateral damage. The company, the festival, and the executives’ spirits were in a shambles. Lester said, “I have learned not to count my eggs before the albumen has hardened into a reliable consistency.”
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Bibio – “The Palm of Your Wave” mp3
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